The Decolonization of my Being

With the concept of decolonization becoming a staple within discourse in social justice, activism, and psychotherapeutic work, it is important for me to note that I have only learned and understood what decolonization may look like within the North American context. When I consider this, I also realize that the concepts around decolonization which have been communicated to me, have been communicated within academic and professional frameworks that have been set up through a Eurocentric lens. Hence, I notice a discomfort within me even when I hear these ideas being elaborated upon by middle class American Black, indigenous, and POC folk.

I question whether these individuals can truly “decolonize” their being while living and operating within structures set up by the colonizer. Even when they speak of decolonization, I hear a tone that is characteristic of that European/American exceptionalism, devoid of historical context beyond the last four hundred years or so. The language they use, the manner of their gestures, the ways in which they talk about themselves and promote themselves and their causes; they seem to embody the very “oppressors” they seem to be up against.

Even when they speak of their own cultural backgrounds, and express cultural pride, they do so in such a superficial manner that even I as a deeply Anglicized Indian man, feel embarrassed for them. It isn’t their fault though. I only scoff at their cultural homelessness and utter confusion, because I feel the same way.

I thought I didn’t. How could I feel that way. I was raised in India, was I not? I am Indian, am I not? I am sure of my cultural footing, am I not? It is my fellow Indians, who were raised American, who bear the plight of this deconditioning, this unlearning. It is they who need to make their way out of coloniality.

I am currently writing this post in English. I can speak, read, and write in English and Hindi. But, I feel most comfortable with English. I think in English, and dream in English. I trace my familial roots to Tamil Nadu, but barely speak or even understand Tamil. I have lived in Bangalore through a considerable period of my life, but don’t speak or understand Kannada. I have read fiction and non-fiction only in the English language, can allude almost solely to European/American authors and thinkers in conversation, and consume primarily American television content.

I have studied in English medium schools, and have studied only in American academic institutions after my schooling in India. My knowledge and experience of life in India is restricted to a narrow class of people who live within the larger cities. Any other knowledge is indirect, and largely shallow. These are only a few ways in which I am conscious of the colonizer within me. With what credibility can I claim to be more at home in my culture than my fellow Indian Americans.

I have not thought much about this. These are the outpourings of someone who is operating primarily from emotions that haven’t found a counterpart in clear thought. But I imagine that my own decolonization within an Indian context would look different from what it looks like within an American context.

If the decolonization of my being posits a de-Christianisation of my being, does that in some ways lead to the reclamation of the wisdom, philosophies, and religious symbols within the myriad “Hindu” denominations? If the decolonization of my being posits a renewed focus on “indigenous” or “native” tradition, rituals, heritage, and methods of organization, what does that mean within an Indian context? Does it include the development of a civilizational pride; a pride that stretches beyond pride in this 75 year old “India”, to a civilization that is at least 4000 years old.

If yes, then does this pride in some ways mirror the sentiments of the so-called Hindu right wing? Are they through their own language and vocabulary, seeking for a decolonization of the structures which they believe were put in place by the colonizer, and then further upheld by native “elites” like me. A native elite like me who has tried to move towards “modernity” and “secularism” in an attempt to distance myself from “regressive” and “oppressive” mindsets and practices.

With “modern” being whatever is Western, and “secularism” being a vague attempt to brush over differences that I deem unimportant.

I don’t know. It all feels extremely confusing. All I know is that I, as an upper middle class, urban Hindu, will have to contend with the ways in which I have alienated myself from whatever history and ancestry that I am a part of, thereby obfuscating the path towards my decolonization.